It’s amazing how much of a difference it can make in your life when you ignore your passion, and don’t make time for it.

For as long as I can remember, writing has been more than just a past-time for me; it has been the fire that has driven me forward, the tool with which I kept my sanity, and the thing which brought me more joy than any other material thing.

It burns within my soul. It is a part of me. I am not me without the writing. Yet, for the longest while, I haven’t been writing. I suppose I initially started to lose my flare for it when I was struggling with the magazines… but after coming out to Teen Ranch, and finding myself more often than not either attempting to be social, or glued to the tv, I have not been writing. And slowly, every day that I didn’t write, a part of me fizzled out. It’s like lighting a bunch of Tiki torches that all have different amounts of fuel, then forgetting to refill them. Eventually they all burn out.

Not too long ago I found a journal entry I had written when I was much younger (the fifth or sixth grade I believe), about how I was able to relate with Emily of New Moon. In the first book, she explains her bits of writing coming to her with ‘the flash’, a moment of, dare I say it, divine inspiration, where to ignore it would literally kill her. What caused me to relate to her the most, was that was the way I operated.

Recently, I read a book in which an author explained that if writer’s wait for the flash to hit them to write, they’re not really doing the work – that flashes come too far and few between for a writer to rely on them. Well, while that might be true for that particular writer, it was not ever true to me. My flashes incurred so close together, that I often had to forego the urge set by some because I could not write out the ideas fast enough. I used to have them so frequently in fact, that no matter where I was, I was always jotting down ideas and scenes, and poetry, and characters and conversations. I can’t count the amount of times I got busted at the factory for scrawling a story on a piece of cardboard rather than paying attention to my machine.
I used to journal most nights – though my goal was always to journal every night, admittedly that can be difficult when you have a busy schedule. But I did journal most nights. Some nights it was just about what I did that day, others it was a frantic outpouring of my feelings, and sometimes it turned into a brilliant flow of thoughts that not only sounded beautiful, but shed some sort of light and wisdom on my current place in life.

But that was before the Ranch. That’s not saying the Ranch is a bad place, or that it destroyed me. Quite the opposite, really. The Ranch saved my life. Not in the sense that it would have ended had I not come here, but it did restore my belief that happiness is achievable, as well as it brought me back to a point where I could serve God without being pulled in by the things of the world. It presented me with friends when I had none, with a second family, and with a place that I could call home (not that home wasn’t home, but its more… my own… it’s a place that I could do with what I liked, that I could set the stipulations of my surroundings.)
But unfortunately, as they always say, sometimes getting what you want comes with its consequences. Those consequences were an unending feeling that I NEEDED to always be social… it took away in a sense my ability not only to hide away, but to find a place where I could lock myself down and just write. Which that in itself is somewhat ironic, given that I live in a place so beautiful that inspiration should be hiding in every corner, behind every tree, and inside every crevice.

Having recently discovered all this and begun to delve back into the habit of writing is how I came to realize just how much damage this lack of writing was doing to me. I feel on fire again. I love it. Although I love my sleep, I love having nights like tonight, where my mind is so on fire to write that I cannot go to sleep; that I just have to get up and start typing away at the keyboard because my mind has locked into writer mode.
It’s sad that in the last week I have done more on the second draft of my novel than I have in the whole three years that the novel has been complete, but it gives me hope that it means I will actually get somewhere on it.

I intend to complete a novel for NANOWRIMO this year as well. I want to get a story idea, and a story plan so incredible that it will be as close to foolproof as one can get with a challenge such as nano.

The number one reason however, to get back into writing, beyond how it makes me feel, and what it does for me, is that this is the burning gift God has blessed me with. He saw fit to give me the talent to write, and by not doing so I’ve been denying one part of His plan for my life. I still don’t know where He plans to take me with it. All I know is that if God hadn’t intended me to use my writing for Him, for His purpose, or to have it play some sort of major role in my life, then I do not believe He would have placed such a strong and burning desire to write in my heart.

With that being said… I think I’m ready to go to bed. No rhyme intended.

Updating on my blackberry was starting to get a little bit exhausting. So I'm not going to be updating too much in the next little while, unless they get the net working across the ranch sometime soon.

Things are going well for the most part. There's been some ridiculous drama and such, but I'll maybe write more about that later.

Starting writing a book finally. We'll see how that goes.

A few Sunday's ago, Pastor Michelle played a song at church that absolutely captivated me, and moved me to tears. It's the cry of my heart, the perfect description of how I feel each and every day.

It's so easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of life, to fight and fight and fight, only to feel like you've lost the battle before you even began. It's amazing how much your perspective can change when you really learn that you cannot survive without total dependancy on God. Without Him strengthening me each day, I would not be okay right now, I would not be able to wake up each morning with a smile on my face and joy on my heart, and I certainly wouldn't be able to put more than my all into my job and relationships.

I'm sure I scared some of you with my last entry, and I apologize. While it was quite true, it wasn't quite as devastating as it probably sounded without the accompanying explanation. Have you ever had those moments where you are just so weak, so destroyed, that you simply cannot muster any strength to move forward? That was the point I was at last weekend. I felt as if I could not do anything beyond curl into a ball and cry.

God, thankfully, is so merciful that He grants me strength when I am weak. No matter how far down I've fallen, His strength revitalizes me when I am faithful. I don't think I'd ever experienced pushing forward to totally pursue His will when I had no strength left even to get up that day. It was the most amazing feeling, and I am even happier that God chose to bless me with amazing conversations later that night with friends to carry me through. There's something to be said about a relationship where two friends can always be completely honest with one another, even if they know the truth is going to sting a little bit. I am so much more grateful to friends who point out the bitter truth, rather than friends who try to make me feel better with sugar-coated words.



Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last


I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me
 - Saviour Please, Josh Wilson

The only explanation I can offer is that I feel as if my entire being has been completely and utterly shattered.

I'm pretty stoked. Got my first pair of skates on Monday night. It's an early birthday present from my parents, because I'm going to be joining the women's league hockey on Tuesday Nights here at the Ranch. Don't know how to skate or play hockey, so we'll see how it goes. They're really nice skates -- Bauer Vapor Edge... I absolutely love them, and can't wait to actually get on the ice with them.

I keep having dreams about Kevin Jonas, which keep turning into daydreams. It's a really bad thing, because I'm starting to fall for this guy I don't even know, all because of these stupid games.

Now that I'm no longer sick I was able to hold Andrea and Jamie's baby boy, Logan. He was born 6 weeks premature, but is totally healthy, and was able to come home after two weeks in the hospital. He is the most precious, tiny little bundle of joy ever. I've never actually held a baby before, at least, not one that was under a year old. Apparently I looked like a natural with him. Something hit me though, as I was standing there, holding this beautiful gift from God in my arms. I really, really want kids. I don't know if I want to give birth to my own, because of multiple reasons (some to do with my medical history, some because of other reasons), but I definitely want kids. I want to adopt for sure. At least one newborn, one younger kid, and one teenager.

I suppose if these... instincts and desires, I guess you could call them... are growing in me, then God must be getting me ready for that part of my life. I've noticed this whole idea of getting married and starting a family (looking at the good times, and the bad ones where you just wwant to throttle each other), is starting to really overpower me. To the point I actually get choked up when I think about it, and get this kind of breathless feeling thinking about it. Even now, expressing this, I'm getting a fluttering in my heart about the idea of having a family of my own. And knowing that God always does things for a purpose, I'm believing in Him that He's putting these things in my heart because it's somewhere around the corner and up the road. I just hope it doesn't end up being one of those things where He's preparing me for it ten years before it happens. Because that might actually kill me.

Seriously. Men, you better be incredibly thankful that you don't have a monthly visitor.

I've determined that the bleeding part isn't so bad; as long as its not super heavy and you're stocked up on tampons or pads, it's actually not that big a nuisance. It's everything else that comes with it that's a pain in the ass.

I can't sleep properly at night, during the day I'm beyond exhausted, I feel like I'm bruised all over, I'm lucky if I can keep down a meal, and to top it off, I bloat so much that the scale goes up 6 pounds.

Ugh! I'm so agitated and grumpy right now!

March 2009

Dear Friends of Teen Ranch,

During the past several years, Teen Ranch has been defending itself in an audit with the Canada Revenue Agency (CRA).

In short, the CRA is claiming that Teen Ranch does not really have as its central purpose the advancement of the gospel of Christ. Therefore, the CRA is taking the position that Teen Ranch is not eligible to be classed as a charity able to issue tax receipts.

The CRA claim Teen Ranch has a collateral purpose of being a sports camp (which is not charitable), that happens to have a small religious component to it (advancing religion is charitable) and should never have been given charitable status in the first place. Specifically, the CRA claims “there is no certainty that campers will gain a greater understanding of the Christian religion”………and, “we are unable to conclude that a tangible religious benefit will necessarily occur as a consequence of Teen Ranch’s actions”.

Our position is that Teen Ranch exists primarily to spread the gospel of Christ. We do this by using sports and other activities as means to attract young people to our ministry, giving us the opportunity to share the message of Jesus by all means possible.

The CRA’s plan is to annul our charitable status, even though we have a 40 year history of Christian camping advancing the gospel of Christ, following a well established pattern used by many Christian camps for well over 80 years. The implications of the CRA’s view that sports, in the context of Teen Ranch, cannot be a means to an end of advancing the Gospel will likely affect many Christian camps in Canada.

While we are currently working with legal counsel to respond to the CRA on these issues,

WE ALSO NEED YOUR HELP as quickly as possible.

If you or your family or your friends have been impacted by the religious ministry of Teen Ranch, we need to hear from you either by letter or email addressed to Teen Ranch, ideally in the next two or three weeks. If you think we’re too religious, we’d love to hear from you too. Please share your story in as much or little detail as you’d like.

Thanking you in advance as we stand together for God’s Kingdom work,

Tim Stevens

Executive Director

Teen Ranch

Box 77

Caledon, On.

L7K 3L3

Some days, you just feel the need to crawl under a rock and disappear.

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes/Zune/WMP on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Tag 10 friends (make me #11 so I can see your results).
5. Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.
6. Have Fun!


IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?
Hanging On Too Long - Duffy

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Strawberry Swing - Coldplay

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Heroine Is So Passe - The Dandy Warhols

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Sweet Religion - Imogen Heap

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Wave on Wave - Pat Green

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
The Voice Inside - Amanda Marshall

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Hey Jude - Across The Universe Soundtrack

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Rock This World - Hilary Duff

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
I Surrender All - Todd Agnew

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Die Another Day - Madonna (shows how much I hate math huh?)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
We Are Hungry - Chris Tomlin

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Driving to Heaven - DJ Tiesto

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Auf Ausche - Franz Ferdinand

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Ode - Creed

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Footprints In the Sand - Leona Lewis

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Little Man - The O.C. Supertones

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
I've Had the Time of My Life - Dirty Dancing Soundtrack

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Don't Blink - Kenny Chesney

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Radio Edit - Hello Kelly

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
City - Sara Bareiles

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Island In the Sun - Weezer

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Music My Rock - Bedouin Soundclash

TAG!!! YOU"RE IT!!!!!!

monkeyman towhitmaco farfromnature bunnyhero gruberman heart_whispers punk_fan12 

I get to go back to the ranch tonight. Taking some of my stuff with me so that I can start unpacking. It's kind of bittersweet I guess. I know my parents think I'm anxious to leave them, but that's not really true. The truth is I miss my family terribly when I'm not at home... but if I don't start breaking away, if I don't get out of here... I'm never going to leave. I'm going to become super attached again and not be able to live without them being there every morning and every night.

Still though, I am happy to be at the ranch. It's not so far away that I can't see my family when I get lonely, and I'm there with my friends. It'll be nice to be responsible for myself again.

Yay to unpacking!

This time, I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I'll be waiting for the real thing, I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting, will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen
So I'll be holding my own breath, right up 'til the end
Until that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight
And dammit this feels too right, it's just like deja vu
Me standing here with you
So I'll be holding my own breath, could this be the end
Is it that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

You can't give up, looking for a diamond in the rough
You never know, when it shows up, make sure you're holding on
Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on
Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me, ohhh

Nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know their not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there
Nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

I'm finding it more and more of a nuisance to be stuck at home with this horrid knee injury. I keep feeling as if it's not that bad of an injury, and I should be doing more. But I can't. Mom was not very pleased to hear I went out for a bit today. I wasn't really out that long, but I guess it was long enough to make my knee blow back up.

It turns out I have more to fear from this injury than I thought. Apparently, if I don't rest and let it heal properly, the clot can work its way up instead of down, and eventually clog my lungs or explode in my brain. I hate that my parents told me about that, because I keep panicking about the little lumps I feel, or where the pain is coming from. And because, in order to stop myself from panicking, I tend to force myself to do more than I should.

I just want it to heal so that I can get back to the ranch, get back to work, and start making money again. Most of all... I don't want to have to be afraid of what could happen if I overdo it.

On another side of things, my meds seem to be kicking in now. I'm thinking that my fears were correct in the wondering if it was the time of year and everything that was just causing them to take a long time to work in my system. I've been feeling much more balanced out in the last couple of weeks. I've only had one bipolar episode that I can recall in the last few weeks, and one blow up (though that was caused by my brother, who for some reason I can't help but get pissed off around).

Another thing I've noticed in the last few weeks, and something I've received comments on is the little bit of maturing I seem to have done. I don't know if its translated into my actions and the way I present myself yet, but my line of thinking is changing. It's changing enough that I'm beginning to notice a difference. Feeling more like.... an adult I guess.

As far as my New Year's Resolutions are concerned, I've been doing fairly well so far. Written three chapters on various stories, read the first 10 chapters of one of my new Star Wars books, and lost 3 pounds over the last week. Haven't delved into the bible yet, though I think that has more to do with me not having my bible handy and sitting around feeling useless, and less to do with a lack of a desire to do anything about it. I'm gonna try to get on track soon though.

Anyways... thats tonight's update... I'll write more later.

Well... I've done it. For the first time ever, I broke the fourth wall and actually argued with my character. Well... she argued with me. But, it was absolutely fantastic. ^_^. It was a little weird, given that my MC talks in first person... but fun.

In other news. Broke 25k last night. Halfway mark, WOOOOT!

Anyways. Here's the argument, simplified by identifying who said what... enjoy!

***


I groaned. Seriously? Seriously? This is the cheesiest piece of fluff ever. And what am I, the freaking whore of the novel? Do I look like the type of girl who would be having ‘moments’ with two different guys like this?

Me: …. Yes.

MC: Holy shit! I didn’t expect you to respond! Stop breaking the fourth wall!

Me: What? You’re the one who started it. You started whining and complaining about how cheesy the story is starting to be.
MC: Yeah well… it is. I mean really, who reads this shit?

Me: You’d be surprised at the amount of 14 year olds that get giddy over this.

MC: I don’t believe you. I want you to fix it, now! I feel like some ditzy retarded cheerleader girl, giggling over Hanna Montana. I thought you were opposed to that kind of crap?

Me: Well I am but… this is my nano-novel. I can do what I want with it. Hell. I could make you prance around wearing a pink tutu and ladybug ears if I wanted to. Then see what you’ve got to say.

Mc: *gasp*. You wouldn’t dare!’

Me: Oh, I would…. I would….

MC: *pout and grumble*. Fine. I’ll go back to the story. But I swear… you better not make me do anything stupid.

Me: Okay… I promise.

**

My antler ears started to get in the way of the fighting, and…. Wait a second, ANTLER EARS? I looked back at the author. What are you trying to pull??

Me: Sorry… sorry. I just couldn’t help it. For serious this time, back to the real story.

When you're falling in love with someone you have no right to be in love with?

One. EAGLE EYE is one of the most fantastic movies I've seen in a long time. The only words I can think of to describe it are HOLY SHIT.

Second. The people of Canada, in specific my riding, absolutely suck. I refuse to ever vote in another election as my vote seemingly means nothing. Next election (which, with the rate we've been going will be next year), I'm spoiling the ballot.

Well, it's Election Day, and I feel like I'm screwed. I have no idea who I am voting for. I suppose I should have taken this weekend to figure it out, but I kept forgetting. That, and the campaign commercials were just plain pissing me off. Except for Jack Layton's commercials. Out of all of his that I saw, only one actually attacked Harper. The rest were talking entirely about what Layton wanted to do to improve our health care, education and economy. That my friends deserves kudos and a pat on the back for Layton. Talk about respectful campaigning.

Then, we have Harper and Dion. Those two remind me of a couple of kids in kindergarten arguing with the teacher about who got the paper mache all over the floor. It's ridiculous. Just once I would like to see a campaign from the Liberals or Conservatives where it's not the two of them going 'But Miss, it's HIS fault this happened! Look at all the mean things he's done! He's the bad one, not me!'

So, I suppose the Conservatives and the NDP have a few more hours to convince me what my final vote will be.

As I sit here in the Teen Ranch dining hall, hanging out with my co-worker Keegan, and looking out at the beauty of the Ranch, I came to the conclusion that I am incredibly blessed right now.

It's easy to look at the negatives -- I'm not paid a lot, I work a lot of hours, and I have to rely on others to get me to and from work. It's always easy to look at those negatives.

But, when I look at the positives I realize how much they outweigh everything else. I have awesome co-workers here. We all have our moments of being stressed out and foolish, but we all work well together, and for the most part, enjoy one another's company. I have the opportunity to practice my faith at work on a level that I can't normally in a secular workplace. I can talk openly about my faith, my struggles, pray with my co-workers, and explore ideas of life. I work in a place that is surrounded by beautiful scenery, provides me with the opportunity to ride a horse, skate on the ice, or do what I feel during my off time.

For the first time in years, I feel happy when I come to work. I don't ever wake up thinking 'oh man, I really don't want to go to work today' as I have with every other job I've had. I've connected in ways with some of the staff here that makes me long to come to work, just so that I can spend even an ounce of time hanging out with them.

For the first time in a while, I feel like somebody. I feel like I'm someone people want to be around, that I have potential, and even moreso, that people are interested in being friends with me.

I have so much to be thankful for working here. I only hope that I can continue to look at all the positives over the negatives.