Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the heart again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay






Ironically enough, I had forgotten about this song until I turned on my iPod this morning, and it was one of the first songs on my playlist. It fits so well with not only what I was saying in my last entry, but about how Church has become, not just for me, but for many people. You see it in almost everyone who goes into church Sunday morning. We've developed this feeling that rather than church being a place to come and be ourselves and let Christ work in us, we believe that we have to appear to be perfect.

How many of us are afraid to cry in church about our problems? How many of us are scared of letting the congregation see God touching us in reassurance about those problems, or simply breaking down because of how overwhelmed we are? Why do we feel that we have to be perfect in church, especially when we're not perfect in our lives?

I wonder, how much stronger would the church community be if we weren't so afraid of letting everyone see our hearts?

In a world of over 6 Billion people, a good chunk of which proclaim to be Christian, I have often felt very alone in my beliefs on Christianity and faith. Which in itself is rather surprising, because even if only 0.1% of the world's population claims to be Christian, that's still over 60 million people. 

That's not to say I've always felt that way. There was a time, closer to the beginning of my faith, where I believed that what the Church said was law, that there could be no wrong in the church because it was the temple of God. It was the holiest of holies, the place to carry out God's will. I'm sure there was a time in the history of the church where this was accurate, or at least, close to accurate. 

Since becoming a Christian when I was eleven years old, I have only once questionned God's existance. The same cannot be said about my faith in the Christian 'religion'. Anyone who has known me a long time has seen me struggle with my faith and my Christianity most of the time I have been a Christian, and has probably witnessed me reach a point where I was ready to walk away from it at least a couple of times.

In trying to figure out why I find it so hard to walk in my faith, I've had many people give me lists upon lists of reasons why I must be stumbling. My faith isn't really that strong, I'm still too much of a sinner, I haven't really made the change in my heart, and on and on and on. It wasn't until a couple of years ago, near the end of my first year of college, that I discovered the real reason why I struggle so much. Having been raised that the church is the centre building point for the body of Christ, I was finding that the church was not the perfect place I was led to believe it was. And because of being taught that it was the centre, I have discovered that I find it difficult to associate myself with a place I have become so disillusioned by. 

And this is where I felt I was quite alone. I found myself looking at the church, and looking at God's word, and wondering how they could be the same thing. Not that everything about the church is bad -- a lot of good does come from the church. I found however, that a lot of that good has become reserved solely for believers, and for people who fit the ideals of what the church deems is 'truly a Christian'. 

Over the holidays my brother lent me a book that, much to my delight, touches on everything I have been struggling with when it comes to Christianity and today's church. The book, entitled 'Dear Church: Letters from a disillusioned generation', examines the phenomon studies are showing, that this generation of twentysomethings is the biggest one to turn and walk away from the church. 

The biggest reason for this disillusionment? We're a generation of truth seekers. Many of us are looking at who Christ was, and who the church is telling us to be, and going 'Huh? Somethings not right here.' While Jesus loved and befriended everyone, no matter what their sexual orientation, life profession, history, sins or bad habits were, the church excludes everyone who isn't like them. They use the bible to back up their reasoning, ignoring the continuation of what is said. My biggest argument to prove that has always been, and probably will continue to be the great 'homosexual' debate. The church will argue that homosexuality is wrong, it is a sin, and that originally homosexuals were to be killed because of their sin. They will argue that homosexuals have no place in our church, or even in our social groups. But what they like to conveniently 'forget' is that those were the laws of the old testament. And while what happened in the Old testament is equally as important as what happened in the New Testament, a lot of things were changed because of the coming of Christ. Homosexuals and other sinners were judged and killed because sins that terrible were impossible to redeem yourself from. There was no forgiveness that could be achieved by such a terrible sin. BUT, all that changed when Christ came along. Christ taught us that all sins are equal, and that because of his sacrifice, all sins can be forgiven. And because all sins are equal, and ALL of us are sinners, until we are perfect (which is impossible, since we are human, and thus born sinners), we have no right to judge. Instead, He taught us to love everyone, to treat them with respect, and to teach them who He was by how we treat them. 

I don't blame the world for turning their backs on Christians and labelling us hypocrytes and closed-minded. I know I've been on both sides of the spectrum. I've been one of the hypocritcal Christians who preach God's word, try to convert everyone, and believed that because I was a Christian, I was somehow better than everyone else. I'll tell you, I will forever be grateful for the people who snapped me out of that. Believing in something doesn't make anyone any better than everyone else in the world. It simply makes you a believer in something that drives you. I look at myself and I see a terrible sinner. I see someone whose stubborn ways continue to cause me to stumble, and fall. I have a terrible temper, a big mouth, and I get caught up in distractions far too easily for my own good. But despite that all, I know Jesus still loves me and welcomes me with open arms. And if He does that for me, someone who certainly isn't anywhere near landing the 'Christian of the Year Award', that should be teaching something. Christ's love is not restrictive of who you are, how good or bad you are, or what your interests and lifestyle are. Christ's love is unending. It has no boundaries, and it doesn't change just because you screw up or fall flat on your face. If the Church is supposed to be Christ's body on earth, then isn't this what we should be doing? 

When I've brought up this point in the past, I've had many Christians try to counter me by saying 'well, I don't think God wanted us to go around and just have a laisez-faire attitude about everything everyone does'. But that's when the point is missed. Loving someone without boundaries doesn't mean you agree with what they do, or decisions they make. It simply means you love them. 

The book, Dear Church, brings with it for me, a deep sense of relief, and a rather large amount of excitement. Because it means that it's not just me who sees this, and its not just a select few of us fighting to make a difference without any hopes of achieving our goals. Seeing this book showed me that there are more of us than we thought, and that maybe, just maybe, we might one day be able to show the world what the word Christian really means.